Tonight 15/01/2025

I generally pass this bridge daily on my dog walk.

I wouldn’t ordinarily share this, but tonight I was desperate to get to this bridge. This is why:

No matter the weather, when at the bridge, I hold the railing tight; sometimes it’s frozen and wet, sometimes not.

I have to hold it tight with a bare hand and pray for a blessing and a breakthrough for Molly.

The update today is that Molly has been swearing, shouting, has disturbed sleep, and can be doubly incontinent. The medication changes continue…. unfortunately, without any positive results, its only getting worse.

We will meet again tomorrow as an MDT to review the situation.

In my head, I say to myself, “I am done.” How long can this situation go on? It has been almost 3 years since her GI bleed. I saw my Molly when she was successfully withdrawn from Quetiapine, but she has disappeared again, once mania was suspected alternative medications were prescribed.

My gut knows I will keep on keeping on!!

At this moment, I see a person in despair, angry, agitated, at times withdrawn and empty. No smiles, no laughter, no joy, no life.

As I said, I rushed home from work tonight to go to ‘the bridge’, my safe place. It helps, and I feel better when I do.

Across the town, Molly has no safe place within herself; her nightmare continues. I am grateful for her support team and hope that she has a breakthrough, whatever that may look like.

If all else fails, I would welcome and accept a hospital admission for a complete detox and withdrawal from all medication. (Not sure if that would even be a possibility.)

Note to self, with reference to Molly having been taking 4mg of Lorazepam daily for such a long period of time, could the information below be relevant?

Tachyphylaxis is the rapid, acute decrease in a drug’s effectiveness after repeated or continuous dosing, occurring much faster than typical tolerance, sometimes even after the first dose. It results from mechanisms like depletion of neurotransmitters or desensitization of receptors, leading to a diminished response that can often be restored by increasing the dose or pausing treatment, contrasting with longer-developing tolerance. Common examples include certain antidepressants, nitrates, and local anesthetics, impacting various drug classes and treatment outcomes. 

Also when asking:

What are the side effects of long-term use of lorazepam?

The long-term side effects of Ativan include dependence, cognitive impairment, memory loss, emotional numbness, increased anxiety, depression, and heightened risk of falls or respiratory issues. The longer Ativan is used, the more likely these effects are to occur. (This is also one of my many concerns.)

Now let me see…

Luv C x