So….I haven’t really known where to start just recently, every day brings either peace or a storm and in no particular order, expected or not expected. After a week of peace and progress I was blown away by the unexpected mood change in Molly, it frightened the life out of me literally. I am made of strong stuff but I am only human and of course we get distracted and unable to focus once again, hoping you can keep it all together and then being surprised by the fact that you can.
Signs of mania trigger flash backs and then thoughts spiral, panic sets in and in no time at all you are back in an impossible place. Raising concerns is a must and then you question “am I over reacting?” Could it be the reduced meds, the mix of patients, the fact she wants out, what oh what is the reasoning for this change? I feel helpless once again.
Meeting last week with commissioners indicated Molly has to be moved on…. but where? The house isn’t ready and I don’t want her to experience another unnecessary transition. Is there a possibility she will come home? Where are Adult social cares plans that should of been running along side mine?- if I hadn’t gone the self directed route what on earth would happen to Molly?
Over the past three weeks on Mondays and Tuesdays I have ploughed ahead finding a social housing landlord and a provider of care, things are moving and I could not have done this working full time so I feel relieved about that decision and happy to be moving in the right direction. I am tired and have had a worrying time but Mollys resilience inspires me to keep on keeping on. She is sitting beside me now as I write and more her self again. I truly believe that the way we react is influenced by and a reflection of the reality of our previous experiences. No-one wants to go back there…..no-one should have to.
Went to the house again this week, it’s a beautiful house and will help three young girls to live independently with support and I can’t wait for the day they can move in! Potential date for exchange week commencing 8th October – exciting…..
Mount View Wigton Road here we come……..
Perseverance is not giving up. It is persistence and tenacity, the effort required to do something and keep doing it till the end, even if it is hard.
Last night Molly was allowed to stay with me overnight for the first time since January the 4th, more than eight months ago. She was fine – I knew she would be as she has been consistently calm of late (apart from when there has been disturbances on the ward which in all fairness cannot be helped, people are all at different stages of their recovery)
It’s been a massive week! Molly has had her hair cut, thank you to Mike who did a great job and it all went according to plan. She also went to Prism Art on Thursday – another milestone accomplished. Prism Art is a charity supporting people with learning difficulties and they do it very well! so I was highly delighted that they had kept her place and she could resume some normality back in her life with a purposeful activity. Molly will attend Prism Art regulaly going forward, securing funding is always difficult but it pays to keep on it…..basically just don’t accept a ‘no’.
We ended the weekend at St James church where we attended a lovely evening service. I was so moved tonight, I just love going there. To top it all off and with out any prompting as we walked out of church together Molly who was happily chatting and saying her goodbyes turned to me and said “ I am so blessed aren’t I Claire by the way”
So lovely, then she sang all the way back to college (the ward).
I am happy, I am sad, I cry, I can’t cry, I feel guilty, I think f….k it I don’t actually, I feel too busy, I am bored, I want to be alone, I am lonely. I try, I can’t be bothered to try any more, I wake so early I have to go to bed early – my day is turning into night and my night into day.
I am inspired, I am uninspired, I understand, I don’t get it at all! I am home but feel homesick. I am ok, I am not ok.
Am I crazy? No I am not! I am absolutely fine and most of the time I believe I am in the exact place I am meant to be. It’s got to work out for the good but is it too much to ask for things to fall into place sooner?
Don’t worry I have felt like this before……..actually what I have just written sounds pretty exhausting maybe that explains this blip?
Note to self: it’s happening…
- House almost at completion stage
- One provider interviewed two more to see
- One other found to share the house
- Working hours reduced to drive project
- Forms sorted for Power of Attorney
- Meeting with Social Worker arranged for Tuesday
- You know that saying “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” well I feel a bit like that – It’s all a waiting game and I just need to hang in there, patience is a virtue!
- By the way just to reiterate Molly is my WHY and the reason for all of this
Luv C x
This is my Mam she worries about her children like any other Mam – it’s a done deal isn’t it, it’s normal, that’s just what Mams do.
We see each other regular, I take Molly to visit her every other weekend. Mam worries about me worrying about Molly. I want to see Molly in her own home and for my Mam to see that in her day too. When you get to be 86 years young you have seen so much over the years and at the end of the day all anyone wants is ‘to see their children happy and settled’.
I have two grandchildren I am looking forward to meet soon, one in December and then one in the new year, we have so much to look forward to…….
All we can do now is ‘keep on keeping on’ be nice, help and love each other as much as possible and make time together count – that doesn’t mean we have to make more time it just means making sure we are totally present in the moments we share together.
Molly, by the way is grand – a little shining star, resilient to the core. I have heard so many lovely things said about her just recently like tonight on my way out of the hospital I had a chat with the receptionist – I have walked past their station every day since January but usually just say hi…..tonight we had a lovely conversation and I left there smiling. I might even miss going there when this is all over – who knows?
Last night we had a lovely walk with Lily the golden retriever that we borrowed – it’s the little things that make a difference, you hear that expression all the time but it truly is the little things that impact our lives, hopefully in a magical way! We need a dog!
Luv C x